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CARLISLE BARRACKS CAPERS
January 15, 2003


You could almost hear the sighs of relief up and down the halls of Building 22 as the workers at the Military History Institute heard the “news” that the new “Title X Director” would be Dr. Conrad C. Crane.

An EXCELLENT choice, Dr. Crane brings to the position a superb history background we have not seen since the highly-respected COL Steve Bowman - also a PHD - ran MHI back in the mid-1990’s.

Dr, Crane, known to most on the Barracks as a research professor at the Army War College, is well liked and perfect for the job. This Stanford graduate will not embarrass the Command like others would have done. His “people-skills” are second to none, and everyone involved in his selection deserves a heartfelt THANK-YOU and a “well-done.”

While we welcome Dr. Crane, we should also remind you CAPERS was exactly right last month when we predicted two of the most objectionable candidates for the Title X spot were definately “out of the running.”

Incredible that THE BULLY was so “out-of-touch with reality” he seriously thought he had a chance at getting the job! It shows how “deluded” he is. If it weren’t for his fellow ring-knocker “PATHETIC BOBBY, THE BULLY’s undistinguished career would have come to a halt even sooner.

Most officers would have seen their career end after that run-in THE BULLY had with the Carlisle Police. The “foul-mouthed tirades, insulting behavior and tyrannical ways” had caused enough heartburn already for Gen. Ivany. THE BULLY was “over the edge” even “thinking” he had a chance at the position.

The other BIG LOSER in the Title X “sweepstakes” was the ever-obnoxious TOMMY-BOY. Heartily disliked for his abusive treatment of female subordinates, TOMMY BOY can now “slink around” out of sight as co-workers smile and quietly celebrate his very public humiliation.

As for TOMMY-BOY’s one-time “pal,” THE CHAMELEON, that LOSER is still looking for full-time work. The worst MHI director in many years, perhaps the most incompetent ever, THE CHAMELEON should know we are “sorry” at how far he has fallen after going off the government payroll as an 0-6. Don’t worry, CHAMELEON, we still have that “office boy” position open out here that THE BULLY so rudely rejected. Do you think you can handle the job?


Old Navy hands at the Mechanicsburg Depot have known the computer technology program in Building 308 by many names. The latest is the Defense Enterprise Computer Center (DECC). The Admiral might not need to keep changing the sign over the door if the computer center produced fewer scandals.

Navy investigators are alleged to be HOT ON THE TRAIL of a certain Captain “Viagra” and an A-76 contractor’s clerical employee we will refer to here as “Ms. Honey Goodnight.” Seems the two have been brought together by President George W. Bush’s policy of “management flexibility” in the workplace.

For example, at Carlisle Barracks, the Army needed almost 11 months to elevate HOT PANTS from a GS-04 to a GS-09. She’s still “steaming,” we are told, waiting for the GS-11 “promised” her.

Well, under the President’s initiative, all Captain “Viagra” need do is walk across to Contracting and have a modification issued to extend “Honey’s” tour of duty and allow her to work at home from her bedroom, no less! The enterprising captain allegedly procured a government FAX machine for her cozy domicile.

Our CI’s tell us that when the BOSS feels the need for some TLC, he visits his “employee” at her home. Is this what our Commander-in-Chief intended with the new policy initiative? Not hardly!


December’s BLACK FRIDAY (appropriately enough, the 13th day of the month), marked a new cycle of “privatization” at Carlisle Barracks. The Army’s computer support program went to Ramtech Services of Newport News, Va. The private company was formed by a group of retired officers who think they can “work the system” better than the civil service professionals.

So far, about ten of Carlisle’s best civil service staffers have found new jobs elsewhere in the government. All were offered higher grades – refuting the Army’s claim that “flexible” privatization “saves” money.

Of the remaining 35 civilian workers, 21 are moving to other jobs at the Barracks. Twelve have retired and two are “out on the street” with no jobs, as we go to press.

A GS-12 information technology administrator, who should have been given “JS’s politically-protected job” at MHI, and the ENERGIZER BUNNY are “getting the axe.”

Thirty-two military positions will also be reassigned by the end of March. We hear that morale is really LOW on post as veteran workers prepare to leave before the dreaded deadline. APRIL FOOL’S Day - 2003 may well be an occasion for the Army to learn the scandalous lessons of the “swabbies” over at the Navy Depot.


Without even a fond “good-bye” to the computer information professionals, former Gov. Tom Ridge, now Homeland Security Director, and the Pennsylvania National Guard have floated a scheme to fill Collins Hall. They hope to open a training site for airport security screeners. This would bring a new mission and more jobs and money to the post.

We hear a certain manager from the $150 million a year Defense Distribution Region Susquehanna, at New Cumberland, might be tapped to run the program.

This man recently handled a “bomb threat” in the Eastern Distribution Center (EDC) Building. Our candidate supervised the security and police force, yet inexplicably ignored his subordinate’s wise advice to evacuate most of the 1400 civilian workers!

We are told that “Old Mailroom Jack” touched off the bomb scare in depot commander Joe Kenney’s office. Witnesses testified that “Jack” had speculated if a suspicious package he delivered should EXPLODE, his body parts “would become entwined” with those of the two women working in the commander’s office.

Our manager hero “JM” first fired, then suspended “Jack.” Finally he attempted to “retire” him but ultimately had to “reinstate” the worker.


Some of our sources in the Harrisburg Civil War Round Table are telling us that they are getting increasingly “fed-up” with the petulant, dictatorial style of DICKIE WIGGLEBOTTOM, the effeminate martinet from the Military History Institute.

This “light-in-the-loafers” loser was invited to be the speaker at one of the meetings over thirty years ago. The next month he came back and “announced” he was “taking over” as an executive board member in charge of programming for the organization. He’s been DOMINATING the other officers ever since, while – we are told – charging off time and phone calls to the federal government under its doctrine of community outreach! As if DICKIE needed the cash!

Members tell us WIGGLEBOTTOM “just can’t delegate work” or “tolerate any opinion other than his own.”


If we had the final “say-so” on whether or not Gen. Ivany gets his third star, it would be a “no-brainer.” Of course he deserves the promotion! While he’s made his share of mistakes, his years at Carlisle Barracks have been so much better than the troubled tenure of his predecessors, THE HERO OF GRENADA and especially PATHETIC BOBBY. The popular “image” of a mean-tempered, egotistical general with an empty bottle in one hand and a pair of “inscribed panties” in the other, unfortunately made BOBBY and Carlisle Barracks the laughing stock of the Army.

Unlike his patron, THE HERO OF GRENADA, the humorless, self-important PATHETIC BOBBY failed in his effort to reach three stars. He was “put out to pasture” prematurely, and many a Carlisle Barracks worker celebrated his departure.

Gen. Ivany was selected to succeed BOBBY in part, because the Barracks needed a change in image. It also needed responsible LEADERSHIP. Maybe he didn’t move as fast as we would have liked, but Gen. Ivany slowly but surely lopped off the DEADWOOD (remember “CHUCKIE CHEESE, the belligerent WAR CRIMES expert?) and replaced the slugs with high-quality officers like former garrison commander LTC Thomas “Ty” Smith. Troublemakers, such as THE BULLY were “eased out the door” and morale gradually improved.

We hope the bad publicity from the Bartlett murder case and the mounting evidence of scandal and timecard fraud allegedly involving the “lady’ from Dillsburg won’t “derail” the general’s career aspirations. It’s our guess he will have the courage to make the right decision on the career of a certain embattled GS-13 female “barracuda.”

Carlisle Barracks workers are quietly asking each other: “Will MS. DILLSBURG once again land on her feet, escape discipline through a contrived disability retirement, or be FIRED, the way lower ranking government workers are everyday at less political installations?”

On the basis of his performance to date, we feel Gen. Ivany has proven to be a major asset to the Army and Carlisle Barracks and therefore should be promoted to three stars without delay.


We hear that fellow NAM vet and former Carlisle Barracks Post Judge Advocate, MAJ Robert K. Mulderig, USA (Ret) still maintains “contacts” on post as he practices law downtown. Bob’s main interest used to be criminal law.

Nowadays, he represents post workers in trouble with the command at the rate of $300 an hour. While not in the same league with Peter Broida, the major can still offer an arm for a desperate and frightened HARPIE to cling to.


Ann Marie Wolf will really have her hands full as she takes on the job of Violence in the Workplace Coordinator for the Army Community Services Office. ZERO TOLERANCE had come to mean ZERO ENFORCEMENT of the Barrack’s “Violence in the Workplace” policy. Some months back, a certain highly volatile member of the security forces engaged in a little-known “fistfight” on post. The beating he gave his opponent might have proved fatal if co-workers had not stopped the fight.

Now the brawler from “Red Tank Road” is back in the news. Some sudden changes in work shifts set off a flare up, insubordination and threatened fisticuffs in Building 400. At the moment, only the PMO and “the chief” know if any discipline was doled out. However, in such uncertain times, any civil service worker at Carlisle Barracks - who has both a wife and a girl friend working in Root Hall - should try and maintain a much “lower” profile.


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