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NEWEST CARLISLE BARRACKS CAPERS

Remember the two-legged female "rat" that patrols the halls of a certain historical building and "rats" out her colleagues to her foul-mouthed, alcoholic boss?

We know now WHY she decided to betray her co-workers. Seems her boss - always on the verge of an apoplectic rage - suggested she become an informant if she wanted to keep her job.

The rat is said to be "incompetent," and it's an old management trick to take "under-performers" and manipulate them into "cowering stooges."

But now we hear the "rat" is pushing the envelope. Investigators are looking into a history of so-called "on-the-job injuries" that may or may not be "genuine."

There's an old saying: "Don't go to the well too often." Does this rat need a remedial spelling lesson? How about F-R-A-U-D? Or perhaps, F-I-R-E-D?

The hammer is ready to fall.

One of our many CI's (confidential informants) at Carlisle Barracks - we ought to give the bumbling PAO a "recruiting" ribbon for unknowingly helping us - wins the "eagle-eye award" for spotting a big "no-no" - and this one wasn't on post.

It seems our observer was proceeding up I-81 to Harrisburg in his high-riding truck when he noticed a certain car, belonging to a certain colonel, weaving to-and-fro in the northbound lanes.

Upon closer inspection, the officer was spotted trying to keep control of the steering wheel while a female below the dashboard was doing her best "Monica Lewinsky" imitation.

We hope the woman in question doesn't work for this brass hat, as her colleagues might soon notice her rapid rise up the GS-scale.

In the future, the officer, (you-know-who-you-are), should plan his antics for places other than a fast-moving automobile on a public highway. Or were you just emulating our soon-to-be ex-commander-in-chief?

Who is the chubby, peroxide blond that a former garrison commander brought to Carlisle Barracks years ago? She was to be the Barracks' token female manager?

"This ambitious little number is under-educated, a heavy drinker, and a real party animal," says a co-worker.

"She has brawled in public with a garrison commander's wife and was arrested for an assault and battery on the streets of Carlisle."

We hear she has verbally attacked colonel's wives as well as fellow managers. This is done with the most graphic "gutter language" found on the bathroom walls of a Dillsburg service station.

A born survivor, the "cellulite cutie" reportedly has risen through the ranks almost literally on her knees. Not even a hotel room scandal, involving the commandant's suite and rooms for AWC students, has impeded her hard-charging career.

Our sources say she can be seen Friday afternoons at a local bar near the installation's back gate. So what if it's been recommended she be fired for (allegedly) accepting illegal gratuities. Some say "you can beat any rap at Carlisle Barracks with just a little command influence."

Those days, hopefully, will soon come to an end under the strong leadership of the highly respected new commandant, Maj. Gen. Robert Ivany.

Some sources at the Barracks complain he's moving too slowly getting rid of deadwood and alcoholic troublemakers. They say Ivany is looking for his third star at a high-prestige posting on the Hudson River and doesn't want to "rock the boat" with any "controversy."

But those "in the know," claim he's here for the full tour. They say he knows who the "problem people" are and will strike when least expected.

The general came to Carlisle Barracks with one built-in big advantage. He succeeds Chilcoat and the pathetic "Bobby" Scales. Most anyone would look good after that!

Speaking of Gen. Ivany, the former Military District of Washington commander had more than a passing interest in a recent news story out of Fort Belvoir, Va.

A military judge has blocked the impending court-martial of CPT Michael Hamner, citing "unlawful command influence."

Hamner, who worked at Walter Reed as a resident anesthesiologist in 1998, was accused of improperly administering an antibiotic to the daughter of a retired Marine Corps colonel.

The 16 year-old girl was having a routine surgical procedure. Katie Tyra, daughter of now-retired COL William Tyra, USMC, died after having an adverse reaction to the drug.

Hamner isn't out of the woods yet. The charges are not vacated. But the court-martial, set to begin at Fort Meade on Jan. 16, will not go forward on schedule.

The Army doctor's crackerjack attorney, Frank Spinner ("When in trouble, call Frank") contends all charges should be dropped "because senior officials unlawfully influenced" Gen. Ivany's decision to order Hamner's court-martial.

A certain prissy Carlisle Barracks civilian "boss," a bigshot in the Civil War Roundtable, who is more "Richard Simmons" than "Macho-man Randy Savage," and who verbally abuses female workers with questions like: "Do you have AIDS?" (He also has been the subject of one complaint of homosexual harassment on the job), is said to be looking for a "wife."

Not his dog, a real, living-breathing w-o-m-a-n! She's said to reside out West and is apparently "ga-ga" over the effeminate historian. Obviously his "brains" have attracted her. But if she could see his allegedly vicious treatment of subordinates, she might think twice before tying the knot.

ATTENTION ALL ARMY WAR COLLEGE STUDENTS and visiting officers: The next time you whisper "sweet-nothings" into the phone when you're calling your wife, girlfriend, whatever, keep in mind you may not be alone. And we don't mean "Ma Bell" is listening.

Conversations have been said to be recorded by those who claim they must be "vigilant" guarding "'national security" on post. Some calls reportedly have elicited great guffaws from the low-grade morons as they play the tapes back for their equally "sick" buddies' amusement.

 


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