Fighting for the truth . . . exposing the corrupt
CARLISLE BARRACKS CAPERS
July 15, 2003
REALITY TV – Want to see the prototype of a new television show for all past and present personnel who have passed through the gates of Carlisle Barracks?
Our television program is called “THE HOT SEAT” because our “guests” are “invited” to sit on a chair hooked up to electrodes. Thus, the “HOT” seat. They are instructed to TELL THE TRUTH at all times – their innermost thoughts. If they try to LIE, then they will FRY! On “live” TV!
TOMMY BOY – “Am I ever lucky to have a job after that screw-up at the Berlin Brigade! It’s a good thing I’m such a talented SUCK-UP and always have my pair of kneepads handy. My supervisors should know I am willing to do ANYTHING to keep my paycheck coming in. I like to brutalize people because I have such low self-esteem. I enjoy being a treacherous bastard.”
PEE WEE HERMAN – “I’ve lost track of all the dirty deeds I did for corrupt bosses, destroying the careers of targeted officers or helping cover-up various capers. Like the time at MILPO we “lost” the paperwork on THE BULLY’s DUI arrest in town. That was on instructions of PATHETIC BOBBY, who was always sympathetic to boozers. He knows what it’s like to tie one on. I ended up screwing my staff, and they sure do hate me. That’s why they gave me the nick-name PEE WEE HERMAN. The CI’s at MilitaryCorruption.com got hold of that, and now I’m stuck with that name for good.
HOT PANTS – “Damn that column, CARLISLE BARRACKS CAPERS! Last month they dredged up the time Agnes caught me and my boyfriend ‘Elmer’ in a compromising position at Upton Hall. Good thing the BULLY was in charge at MHI and nothing happened. Except me getting some FAST and undeserved promotions. You know what they say: ‘It’s not who you know but who you ----.”
THE SCREAMER—“I was the worst garrison commander in memory. Even that Black guy that kept hitting on the women was better than me! Speaking of Blacks, I ran up against one high-ranking female that really kicked my ass. Damn near ruined my career! Another officer involved got shipped off to Germany. I left Carlisle Barracks without the usual plaudits on my OER. And that major I messed with, he got me in big trouble! Next time when I call up and harass someone, I won’t do it on the speaker phone. So many people HATED me on post, it was actually a relief to transfer out.
FLATHEAD – “Who said a West Point diploma and a well-worn set of kneepads gets you retirement as at least an 0-6? I stalled out as an under-achieving LTC. Probably, because I messed up so bad in that protocol job.
At least I got my fat, ugly and stupid wife a soft job at MHI and now she’s lucked out in a higher-paying position. Working for the government. She doesn’t deserve it, but when did she deserve anything but the contempt of those who realize how incompetent and deceitful she really is?
THE CHAMELEON – “Back-stabbing is my specialty. And holding ‘stockholders’ meetings. Of course, I would tend to lose my temper from time-to-time when confronted with facts or the truth. I sure wish I hadn’t taken on a real combat veteran (hope my less-than-distinguished Vietnam record is never revealed). He’s made me a laughing-stock, whether it’s about my fights with the neighbors or my unrealized ambitions to be a full time battleground tour guide. And now he’s criticizing my filthy (hippie-like) long hair and unsanitary hygiene habits. What’s next? I can’t get that major off my back! HELP!
HERO OF GRENADA – “How do they find out these things? I mean about me offering Barbara Vanner $50,000 to just ‘go away’ when one of my pets got in trouble for genuine sexual harassment? Or my failure to secure a perimeter around that airfield at Grenada. The Marines had to be called in to clean up my mess. I was a bird colonel then, and my career could have gone straight into the crapper. But I knew the right people and how to play politics and got my third star. And don’t forget all those FREE breakfasts served in bed, courtesy of the club. I don’t like being immortalized on the Internet, thanks to the inside reporting of CARLISLE BARRACKS CAPERS.
DICKIE WIGGLEBOTTOM – “Why do I hate women? Because they always made fun of my spindly frame and bookish ways. They didn’t think I was a real MAN. Maybe that’s why I gravitate to pals with a certain proclivity. Being cruel and domineering has its benefits, but what will I do if the new director discovers I am a liability who should gracefully retire? Being called the ‘mincing martinet’ is no fun, even if I do have a funny walk.
THE KENTUCKY RUG MERCHANT – “Somebody talked! How the hell else would they know about those closed-door meetings I had with the DIRT-BAG PRIVATE and his slutty, convicted “child-abuser” wife? When you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas. But I needed them and the STING ARTIST to ‘NUKE’ my nemesis before he got me! Now I can see he’s going to chase me to hell and back to get justice. I certainly hope the IRS doesn’t know about certain ‘creative bookkeeping.’ If they do, my goose, I mean TURKEY is cooked!
PATHETIC BOBBY – “So CAPERS is calling me PUMPKIN HEAD now, huh? There ought to be a law! That you can’t ridicule UGLY, repulsive people like myself just because I have a face only a mother could love. I wish they hadn’t found out about those ‘panties.’ That, and the drinking made me look like the fool that I am. What’s the big deal about me kicking doors and having infantile temper tantrums? That’s my right. After all, I am a general. I am KING! Or I should say, I ‘was’ a king! Now I’m a failure. Whenever I return to Carlisle, I hear them whisper: ‘There goes PATHETIC BOBBY.’ I lost my third star thanks to my exposure in MilitaryCorruption.com.”
THE DUMMY – “Don’t even talk to me about that web site! I’m worried what they know about me and REMTECH. Yes, I was a failure as PAO. Whatever I tried, I ended up looking more stupid. Peterson and I launched a ‘witch hunt’ for CI’s on post and couldn’t dig up one! Now I read in the June CAPERS they were right under my nose – literally! The Bartlett case was the beginning of the end. For ME, that is! Oh well, time for me to go have another beer with THE BULLY and commiserate over how MilitaryCorruption.com has made us into cartoon characters.”
THE BULLY – “Another one, bartender. Well, what can I say? I was a foul-mouthed bastard and I got what was coming to me. Guess I fooled myself into thinking I had a lock on that director’s slot. But now I’m just a joke on post. All the people I stepped on remember me as being a brutal bully. That damn CAPERS exposed my trouble with the cops in town. I’m sure glad I had PATHETIC BOBBY to ‘bail me out’ of that mess! Any other failed LTC – a West Point sheepskin and only 0-5 to show for it – and I would have been out the door. I certainly have a talent for making enemies.
THE TWO-LEGGED RAT – “I informed on my co-workers because I believed THE BULLY would keep me on. But he double-crossed me, and now I wish I hadn’t of been such a ‘RAT.’ Yes, I didn’t like being written up in CAPERS. Maybe THE BULLY thinks it’s an ‘honor,’ but I don’t. Take it from me, it’s a (major) embarrassment. Well, might as well apologize to all those I hurt. Sorry! I was just trying to save my own ass. OK?”
SIMON LEGREE – “I wasn’t at MHI very long. Which is just as well for those folks who quickly grew to detest me. So what if I’m a two-face and phony? How do you think I got that promotion and assignment in Korea? I know how to play the game. And also JUMP when my high-powered spouse barks her orders. She’s so tough she makes Hillary took like Mother Teresa. That’s what I need, since I’m really an emasculated wimp – an officer wife who knows how to ‘crack the whip.’ Coming, dear!!!!!
CHUCKIE CHEESE – “I hate that nick-name! Now I can’t get rid of it! And I don’t know who I despise more – Seymour Hersh, who exposed my dark past in the NEW YORKER, or a certain field-grade officer with media connections, who forever has labeled me a WAR CRIMES ‘expert.’ Guess I shouldn’t have been such a prick when it came to his requests for FOIA. It doesn’t pay to become HIS enemy! Was I pissed, the day the TV reporters showed up on post to ‘interview’ me. He arranged that, and even found out about my tantrum at Dunham Clinic over the ID card. Or my illegally dumping trash. It was good to leave Carlisle Barracks. CAPERS has eyes and ears everywhere.
THE STING ARTIST – “I’m a sociopath. I mean, hurting strangers gives me a real thrill! Why, I’ve falsely accused at least three officers so far for “sexual harassment.” Doesn’t matter that the charges were bogus. I did what I was told. Even when one of them, a USAR officer, put a bullet through his head in Pennsylvania. Not to worry. I lead a charmed life. Like that time I was caught speeding on the Barracks. As soon as I told them how ‘helpful’ I’d been to the PMO, the military police let me off. Well, not ‘everything’ is great. I’m still worried one of my relentless victims will eventually hunt me down. He’s getting closer, and I don’t want to face justice for my crimes. Now if I could just lose 60 pounds and pull a scam where I could make some ‘real’ money! It’s tough being a lifetime E-4 just because I’m a PIG and can’t pass the APFT.
MAD DOG – “I just love reading about the Nazis. Gestapo and all that cool stuff. Being a plainclothes MP-CID storm trooper at Carlisle Barracks gave me a big charge. Too bad the PMO stepped in between me and a targeted officer in the MP station when I took a swing at his head. I would’ve loved to beat him to a bloody pulp. At least I got a chance to ‘jump him’ in his workspace from behind and go for my gun. You should have seen the look on his face! A Vietnam vet, no less! I bet THAT gave him some nice nightmares! Hey guys, do you still have that hidden wall partition in the MP station? Oh, remember that LTC who allegedly shot himself? I and my partner drove him ‘over the edge.’ Great work, huh? I just love violating rights and abusing people. Because I’m such a low-life, myself. That’s why they called me MAD-DOG. I went ‘after’ my targets like a mad dog!
INCOMING ROUNDS – Our ever vigilant CI’s report seeing the troubled ENERGIZER BUNNY coming out of the “Sandwichman” after work many days with a six-pack under his arm. Seems that BIG MAMA from DPW housing/Red Tank Road has allegedly kicked the BUNNY out of the rabbit hutch! . . . Speaking of BIG MAMA, she’s a multiple winner of the Zsa Zsa Gabor Good Housekeeping Award. Every time she divorces a mate, she keeps the house! Reports are that this lady is hiking up the hemlines of her “extra-large” mini-skirts to catch the eye of a new mate. One of the maintenance crew from Griffin Service contractors is alleged to be her “main squeeze” these days. . . . SECURITY SCREW-UPS – The PMO at Carlisle Barracks has been unwilling to allow civilian guards off post for lunch wearing their weapons. Up the road, the Admiral has shut down the gasoline pumps on post and demands his civilian guards on all shifts drive off post with guns and government patrol cars to buy gas at commercial service stations. That “brilliant order” was given without any clarification of the officers’ arrest authority off post. We are told one civilian guard stumbled upon a mugging and could do nothing but pull up to the altercation and call “911” on his radio. The mugger fled. Fortunately, the Navy civilian guards have Rocky Morrill and Local 1156 to defend their rights. . . . A TALE OF TWO FAMILIES – A certain light colonel from the National Guard has served two tours at Carlisle Barracks, but no one knows much about him or what he teaches in Collins Hall. Seems he keeps his own counsel for good reason. A local boy from York, Pa., he joined the service and made a career as a military cop. With his training officer and PMO duty assignments at Indiantown Gap, his life became forever linked to a young enlisted man’s pretty wife. Seems the enlisted couple were raising a family and the hubby worked as a military records technician in the Pennsylvania National Guard. When his wife met the officer, all this changed. . . . “Jerry” confronted the officer attempting to steal his beloved mate, but made the tragic mistake of putting his words in writing. He warned the officer to break off the affair. The well-connected “Romeo” officer took “Jerry’s” letter to government bureaucrats and the younger enlisted man nearly lost his federal career. He did lose the family he cherished. “Linda” married the now-light colonel. They’re in residence at Carlisle Barracks, a popular Army refuge for adultery and disgraced “on the shelf” officers. As for “Jerry,” he remarried and lives nearby in Mechanicsburg.
UNTIL NEXT TIME – WE WISH ALL OUR MANY READERS AND CONFIDENTIAL INFORMANTS AN ENJOYABLE SUMMER. THANK YOU FOR YOUR MANY MESSAGES OF SUPPORT. WITHOUT YOU, “OUR EYES AND EARS,” CARLISLE BARRACKS CAPERS WOULD NOT BE A “MUST-READ” AT THE PENTAGON. CRIMINALS AND COVER-UP ARTISTS BEWARE. WE WILL EXPOSE YOU! YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN’T HIDE!
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