December 15, 2003

TRAGEDY AT THE BACK GATE – The Carlisle Barracks security forces, both firemen and gate guards, performed magnificently on December 4th when a USAWC faculty member, James S. McCallum, was struck by a van at the busy rear gate.

Witnesses tell us that traffic backed up for half a mile in both directions on Claremont Road. The injured man was evacuated by “Life Lion” helicopter to Hershey Medical Center, where he was hospitalized with serious head injuries.

The event happened at 1:30 PM, just as the Post was gearing up to host elderly nursing home residents for the annual Christmas Tea at the LeTort Club. A severe snowstorm the following day cancelled a second Christmas Tea and cookies for area seniors as well.

MCC offers prayers of our readers for Prof. McCallum, as well as his wife and family, during this holiday season. Our fellow Scot is a retired officer, much admired at Carlisle Barracks for his significant contributions to the Peacekeeping Institute.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS – Since our company of CI’s (confidential informants) both civilian and military who work at Carlisle Barracks, has increased in number from 38 to 45 in the wake of the Command’s ill-fated attempt to censor us last fall, we’re privy to lots more information on Post.

If our sources were little “gremlins” and could “peek” at a list of New Year’s Resolutions on the desks of BUMBLING BUCHER and her “PERSCOM pal” and enabler, Mike “NO COMBAT” Colpo, this (satire) is what they might find:


“I resolve to try and stay out of trouble in 2004. It’ll be hard, because I don’t even have a basic DINFOS diploma and my incompetence may be revealed anew if I get in another public scrap, like the one I had with

“It’s tough knowing I’m regarded as the most inept PAO in the U.S. Army. And my former colleagues, many who disliked me back then, are having a field day now forwarding copies of CAPERS to more of my enemies.

“Better not send out any more harassing e-mails that can be traced back to me. But it’s so frustrating to be made a fool of by an officer head and shoulders above me – both in intelligence and ability as a “qualified” PAO.

“I resolve I won’t miss as many staff meetings as I did in the last half of 2003. That damn MCC will know it, and report it if I do! Yes, I better keep a low profile and appear not to be as arrogant and obnoxious as I really am. Maybe I can make people on post think I’m really a nice person. Of course, that’ll be hard to do, as my Hillary-like personality is hard to repress.”


“I resolve to never again get into a fight with MAJ MacDonald! He’s a genuine combat vet, while I was exposed as not only avoiding combat zones for 25 years, but not even doing one overseas tour. He kicked my “chAIRBORNE” ass but good!

“Damn! That nickname gave me will follow me to my grave! I can tell people snicker behind my back on Carlisle Barracks. The way they look at me – the poor boy from the coal mines story just doesn’t work anymore!

“At least my fellow ring-knocker Huntoon saved my job, but I know Carlisle Barracks is the end of the line for me. BRAC is coming soon, and I’m going to have to go out and find a real job not too far down the road.

“Well, there’s that office boy position out in Arizona, but I think I’d feel uncomfortable at a web site that exposes corruption and deceit.

“I resolve to be careful who I yell at on the telephone from now on. They might have a recording device, so then I can’t lie and misrepresent what really was said.”

REWARD MONEY – The $10,000 we are offering for information leading to the arrest, conviction and incarceration of any MILITARY officer at Carlisle Barracks who leaked material or showed documents protected by the Privacy Act to any individual involved in the U.S. mail harassment of our editor-in-chief, has had several takers.

We are keeping your names on file and turning your information over to our civilian attorney. This money will be paid, no questions asked, into the bank account of any military member or civilian employee on Carlisle Barracks who meets the requirements of the REWARD.

Like SADDAM HUSSEIN was finally run down in his “rat hole” at Tikrit, we’ll get the goods on YOU (know who you are) and see you busted and sent to prison someday.

EMERGING SCANDALS – COL Alan C. Cate Jr. wants to stifle concerns about the 30-year backlog in the Collections Development Branch. It seems that classified documents were found carelessly lying around on open shelves instead of being promptly sent to the vault! And we are told artifacts, recently received from the center for Military History are MISSING!

Was that “work” that former “favored employee” HOTPANTS was allowed to take home to do “after hours” that now cannot be found? Meanwhile, the Assistant Director in charge of this program continues to “defend” HOT PANTS, calling her a “perfectionist.”

Two more scandals in the offing, involve pictures of the Custer Battlefield taken just ten days after the massacre and the bloated “moving costs” being formulated by GIGGLIN’ JACK and his sidekick “Major Walmart.”

ONE MORE EMPTY UNIFORM ARRIVES ON POST – While we’re on the subject of COL Cate, we should take note of the fact that when he showed up this summer, he became the newest absentee commander of the Army Heritage and Education Center.

This shy, introverted “ring-knocker” at first showed bewilderment at the lack of professionalism among senior AHEC managers, but soon settled into a comfortable regimen of three-hour days, three days a week, while he scurries back to Philadelphia to be near his successful, well-paid medical researcher wife.

While Cate is absent, GIGGLIN JACK, “two-faced” TOMMY BOY, the “mincing” DICKIE WIGGLEBOTTOM, plus the TWO STOOGES from the BULLY’s old regime really run the organization.

THE “LIBERATOR” OF KUWAIT – Anyone know the identity of THE DORK, a very unpopular LTC in Collins Hall? He hails from Syracuse, N.Y. This alleged “suck-up” to LTC PIGPEN likes to brag about his “heroics” in the first Gulf War.

When assigned to a noisy office, this “Rambo” says he got up from his desk to unplug a workman’s hand tool. When the enlisted “grunt” came back and plugged the device back in to finish the job, THE DORK allegedly drew his sidearm and shot the tool, right in the midst of a crowded room!

He might have faced court martial for “reckless endangerment.” Ever hear of ricocheting bullets? But we know how “ring-knockers” avoid real discipline, don’t we? THE DORK was “bailed out” in a typical Army “cover-up.” He only had to pay the cost of the router. What about the price of the slug? Of course, the colonel claims the issue was a matter of “self-defense.” You see, the router had a blade in it!

SILVERBERG’S STOOLIE DEPARTS – Carlisle Barracks most infamous “slacker” – or should we say “sleeper” – narrowly missed being fired from the heating and air conditioning crew at Griffin Service this summer. Only a few months earlier, he was demoted from his coveted leader position.

LITEBULB’s last day was appropriately Halloween, when “Bossman Rick” and his boys and girls cut a cake and bid farewell to a character that has filled CAPERS with many hilarious antics during his many careers on post - as DPW mechanic, union boss, and Chambersburg fireman.

Can anyone forget the “secret sleeping room” he built in the basement of Root Hall, or the time he overslept his check-out time at Collins Hall? We hear old LITEBULB promoted a job in the private sector near Fort Detrick, MD. Former co-workers are taking bets on how soon he gets fired for loafing on the job down there.

FIST FIGHTS ON RED TANK ROAD – A Saturday night in October brought State Troopers from Newville to BIG MAMA’S house after a verbal confrontation between the ENERGIZER BUNNY and one of BIG MAMA’s “gentleman acquaintances” led to “blows.”

We hear THE BUNNY will be nursing his bruises and limping in to work at his new Letterkenny job on a broken ankle. He’ll also have to answer to a judge soon for fighting and being drunk.

BIG MAMA’s live-in “baby sitter/male housekeeper” was the one to call the cops. She wasn’t home, but hard at work as the “tavern wench” without underpants at McKay’s Garden Cave Bar and Grill.

Many old time barracks workers will remember that BIG MAMA’s live-in “nanny” used to be her loyal and trusted DPW employee, until the CID on post questioned his many trips off the installation in a government vehicle. We are told when he was “found in possession of a kitchen range and a TV with serial numbers that identified the items as government property,” the guy was fired – much to the embarrassment of BIG MAMA and Alan Thompson.

INJURED ON THE FARM – We send “get well soon” wishes to a former buddy from Building 22 who was badly hurt, working on his farm in Illinois. Seems RR narrowly missed serious injury when a log slammed across his back. If it had struck his head, he might not be here today.

At any rate, the painful injury curtailed “hunting season” for him, so the workers at Upton Hall will not be enjoying venison “goodies” this year. Too bad. But we are glad that this longtime Barracks worker was not more seriously hurt.

POOR HOUSEKEEPING – The third weekend in October marked DICKIE WIGGLEBOTTOM’S move from the house with two elephants to his “new digs” out on Highland Ave. Now the effeminate martinet with 365 neckties and 60 armies of “toy soldiers” can “trash-up” a house rented from the prominent Masland family in Carlisle.

We hear that at least three teams of cleaning personnel from the Church of God Rest Home failed in attempts to combat the clutter and filth left behind by this well-heeled loser who claims he’ll run the new AHEC complex out on Army Heritage Road.

The cleaners said they found truckloads of empty boxes and evidence of “a shocking lack of personal hygiene” in this old brick home. Apparently the penny-pinching DOKTOR never spent a cent for house keeping services during his many decades as a tenant.

MURRAY “THE MONSTOR” -- Do you believe that a two-decade grudge could exist at the Mechanicsburg Navy Depot? Is it possible that 20 years ago, a quiet, unassuming supervisor, Murry H., had the nerve and inspiration to give a worthless female employee the less than satisfactory annual rating that she deserved? Well, that was before Depot Boss and resident Irish leprechaun, JOE MONEYHANDS, got into the picture.

Seems that Murray’s target for a “wake-up call” was attractive enough for this colorful former Jesuit priest to “notice” her many curves. We are told she was one of the recipients of his alleged “intoxicated and obscene propositions” – all rendered in perfect cathedral Latin – while he sat on top of the female’s desk.

Now, 20 years later, this woman is still a “slacker” in Building 410. MONEYHANDS retired to become a “Beltway Bandit” and the hapless Murray, a successful GS-13, got retrenched back to Building 410 as support staff to the local supervisor. This caused “the slacker” to file charges with the Employee Assistance Counselor that she felt her life was “in danger.” Oh me, oh my! She “feared” working in the same section as the man who once proposed to give her an accurate performance appraisal.

For now, management is standing its ground. They told the “squawker” to “get a life, some counseling and by all means, get to work!” Good for them!

HARD TIMES AT THE CLUB – Because of cost-cutting measures forced on the ever-efficient Kim Gardner at LeTort Club, Janie and her daughter-in-law They were scheduled for lay off from their full-time NAF jobs in the Root Hall Cafeteria. Both women quit in protest rather than accept “part-time” NAF jobs without benefits. They will be missed.

NEW CHARACTER FOR CAPERS – JOE SCABBIE of Jim Thorpe, Pa. is coming to the Barracks on a lateral transfer. He used to work at USDA Headquarters in New Jersey.

We’re told Joe used the “bonus points” civil service awards “disabled veterans” to grab the Audio Visual Curator job advertised in the Army Heritage Museum program.

The job had been held by Jim Baughman, the tireless union advocate at Carlisle Barracks. A female Barracks worker with legitimate retrenchment rights in the Audio Visual series was improperly barred from consideration, as was a senior audio- visual manager at Collins Hall, who also happens to be a disabled vet.

We hear there was illegal manipulation of the rules by GIGGLIN’ JACK and his sidekick, “Major Walmart.” What else is new?
Real disabled veterans resent a SCAB who once played sports during the Cold War claiming job rights ahead of more qualified people. Are you reading this, Congressman Platts?

CHAPEL NEWS – Friends and well-wishers are all praying for the recovery of Mrs. Wanda Gentile, the lovely German-born wife of the very able Carlisle Barracks Sports Director Chuck Gentile. Doctors say Wanda has suffered a mini-stroke. We at ask God’s healing and a full recovery for this sweet lady.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR – But we’re sure it won’t be that “HAPPY” a New Year for Carlisle Barracks’ new commandant. Not with what we know and are finding out about him. There are “eyes and ears” everywhere, and his hair would turn white to know what we have found out in the past few weeks.

(EDITOR’S NOTE) – So, until next year, God bless and keep all our dear friends on Carlisle Barracks and the many good and decent people who report the deceitful ones to us at MCC. May your holiday be filled with happiness and joy. And THANK YOU for helping us become even more powerful and widely read in not only central Pennsylvania, but all over the country and around the world. Nothing like some “jack-booted thugs” – hello PMO! – trying to deprive us of our First Amendment rights, to boost circulation.


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