February 15, 2004

HUNTOON SLEEPS LATE – FAILS LEADERSHIP TEST – Carlisle Barracks employees are grumbling over the latest gaffe by stumbling Commandant Gen. David Huntoon.

Seems staff at the Army War College and workers on the Barracks called the weather hot-line (245-3700) all night and until 0600 Friday morning, Feb. 6, to see if post activities would take place on schedule.

Some folks living in Anneville, Chambersburg and Gettysburg started out extra early to brave the heavy ice and sleet downpour that began at midnight.

But no one authorized the gate guards to tell incoming workers that post activities had been curtailed. It wasn’t until people tried to park in the roped-off parking lots that they realized how much Huntoon had failed them.

Some of our “deep-cover” CI’s reveal that the new “prima donna” boss of Carlisle Barracks didn’t want to be disturbed or awakened to consult with his “diminutive” garrison commander about such a mundane matter. Easy for the general to roll over in his warm bed and cut a few more “zzzzs” while his workforce struggled through very inclement weather.

Huntoon needs to “get his act together” soon. If not, he’ll be the third Commandant in a row to serve at Carlisle Barracks and go “out the back door” minus a third star.

“Even though he (Huntoon) can’t make a simple decision like this,” a disgusted female worker told us, “we can at least take solace he’s not over in Iraq, where such indecisiveness could cost American lives.”

A STORM CASUALTY – We have to wonder if popular USAWC Prof. Craig Nation’s broken wrist could have been avoided if Huntoon had done his job during the storm.

The professor fell on ice in front of Reynolds Theater.

Someone – perhaps at the Pentagon – should tell Huntoon to order some “delayed openings” on these wild winter mornings so the contractors have sufficient time to clear the sidewalks and parking lots. Otherwise, we’ll see more “casualties” as a result of the Command’s indecision.

UNLIKELY ASSIGNMENT – We keep hearing rumors about Col. Mike “NO COMBAT” Colpo trying to get himself a short tour of duty in Afghanistan. The story goes, he’s been so stung by our revelations that he never once served overseas in more than 25 years – much less seen “combat” in Grenada, Panama, Somalia, Kosovo, Bosnia, Gulf War I, Iraq or Afghanistan – that this “chAIRBORNE Ranger,” Infantry branch West Point graduate, is desperate to get a CIB (Combat Infantry Badge) to deflect snickers on post about his willingness to go into “harm’s way.”

A careful check by our CI’s at Root Hall reveals “NO COMBAT” Colpo will stay in Carlisle as Huntoon’s chief of staff and “right-hand-man.” Colpo is said to be just “too valuable” to the general to risk the klutzy colonel stepping on a booby trap in Kabul.

BIG MAMA AT THE BACK GATE – Every 16th car entering Carlisle Barracks has to undergo a complete inspection search by civilian guards. The driver must produce vehicle and insurance papers. Yes, even the imperious BIG MAMA must endure this “inconvenience” when her turn comes.

Sources report she was “really steamed” by the boys in blue who reportedly had to dig through layers of empty condom wrappers on the floor boards and back seat. At least there were no “sex toys” visible to the grinning gendarmes. But we are told a carton of “male stimulants and enhancers” was found in the car trunk.

Last we heard, THE ENERGIZER BUNNY is still not welcome back at the “rabbit hutch” on Red Tank Road.

A BAD PENNY – LTC Peterson, the much-disliked former Carlisle Barracks PMO, is anxious to get back to his old stomping grounds on post. Word has it that this obnoxious former “top cop” will be ensconced in a high-level security position at Collins Hall.

We expect him to soon square off with “E. J.” as the duo compete for turf and attention. Also, look for the ex-PMO to hook up with his favorite fireman “snitch” for possible double dates. The new Mrs. Peterson is an attractive computer technician at New Cumberland Depot, so the belligerent fireman might just bring his leggy “librarian” wife along for a foursome.

LOSS OF A GREAT WORKER – “Belt tightening” at the LeTort Club has now cost us the services of Ms. Dotty Shatto. She was a hard-working and productive employee who ably supported Lois Gleim with catering events.

We urge all our friends on the Barracks among the staff and faculty to patronize the club as much as possible. Remember when the Sports Bar used to be open every day after work? Now it’s only available on Fridays. Increased patronage might result in going back to the old schedule. How about it, gang?

THE COZY HERMIT – Alan Thompson is all snug as a bug and warm as toast this cold, dreary winter. A savvy exec, Alan ordered a new boiler for Anne Ely Hall, before stepping down as head of DPW. Now he’s comfortably tucked away in a small inside office with better camouflage cover than Osama bin Laden. Don’t worry, Alan, no one will find you taking naps now.

In the meantime, malfunctions in the new post alternative energy program have most Barracks residents either freezing or running office fans.

BLAST FROM THE PAST – Carlisle Barrack’s deceased top photographer did his best work in a darkroom, if not the bedroom, we’re told.

This charming “cad” nearly cashed in his chips one day while posing a class of War College graduates on the infamous front steps of Upton Hall.

Just as he was about to say, “CHEESE,” witnesses heard the roar of a powerful Pontiac V-8 engine revving up with a vengeful female behind the wheel. The ex-lover tried to jump the curb and drive across the grass to run down our shutterbug. It seems he’d gone back on his promise to marry the damsel and she was out for revenge.

Like many similar incidents at Carlisle Barracks – including a fistfight at the same location years later – no one got into any serious trouble. In fact, the “cad” just moved inside and began “romancing” the boss’s married secretary.

Before long, we’re told, this lonely lady was involving female co-workers in weekend “cover” trips to conceal her tryst at local motels with the “photo” man. If the secretary’s husband hadn’t been up for a school superintendent position in the community, he might’ve agreed to a divorce.

This romance tragically ended in an inferno one day after work, when a small private plane crashed on take off from a field in Mechanicsburg, Pa. killing the picture-taking pilot. The MHI secretary – a very sweet lady in our opinion – stayed married while other Upton Hall residents took their turns at “bed-hopping.”

“HERO” ON THE HOMEFRONT – While real soldiers are fighting and dying in the Middle East, look what we have at the Barracks to protect the War College. “Good old boy Walt,” the retired colonel, who missed out on the first war against Saddam. His unit went overseas without him.

This embittered whiner came to Distance Education as a Course 9 instructor in the mid 90’s after reportedly being relieved from a previous Army command.

Now, in his second Army career, our “hero” is a Remtech contractor who still sees the Defense Department as a swollen “CASH COW” waiting to be milked.

When this “Arkansas Traveler” finds a capable ghostwriter, they’ll pen his life story under the title: “THE UDDER ARMY.” All the memoranda we see from our sources inside Remtech read: “”Not covered by the contract; “ “Not funded;” “Modify the contract;” “This is not our scope of work;” and “Let’s hire more contractors.”

GETTING PARANOID – “Bumbling Bucher” the fast-track, former Pentagon flack, who can’t seem to keep her feet out of her big mouth – the BRAC mis-statements caused a lot of “agita” on post and elsewhere – is reportedly getting rather “paranoid.”

Our sources tell us this abrasive “Hillary Clinton-clone” with the “nasty attitude” is always looking around the office when she talks on her telephone to make sure no one is “listening in.”

Could the problem be a “guilty conscience?” Of course, that depends on if there IS a conscience there to begin with! We certainly hope so. If those threatening e-mails we received, that were so cleverly “disguised” can be traced back to the PAO office, she’ll have plenty to “worry” about.

OUR CONDOLENCES – Our condolences go out to Mrs. Sondra Alban, the recently “departed” chief telephone operator at Carlisle Barracks on the loss of her beloved husband Floyd. He was a talented Carlisle gunsmith who counted many War College faculty among his satisfied customers.

CAPERS also regrets the passing of Mrs. Kitty Bradley, the major financial patron of the Military History Institute at Carlisle Barracks. An attractive former Hollywood screen writer in the 1960’s, Kitty became the second wife of beloved Gen. Omar Bradley.

We heard the very able and well-liked Dr. Conrad Crane and some support staff went to the West Coast to see what provisions were made in the Bradley will for the new AHEC Museum on Army Heritage Road.

LATE NIGHT PHONE CALL – We hear that Col. Craig Madden is in the midst of yet another controversy. This 0-6 who is still deluded into thinking he has a shot at flag rank, recently got himself into trouble with his treatment of a worker who justifiably complained about discrimination and other wrongs on post.

Seems the upset employee made a call to the colonel’s home one evening and Mrs. Madden answered the phone. She was not amused it was 90 minutes later when the conversation concluded. Such displeasure was reportedly passed on to the colonel who acted impulsively, as usual.

The circumstances of this case are such that Madden would be well-advised to proceed carefully. If he doesn’t, the ramifications could be very serious indeed.

“PUTTING THE BOOTS” TO THE GUARD FORCE – We see where recent written “Expectations and Requirements” by night shift lead guard Sgt. Jack Group fly right in the face of OPM policy on how to treat people fairly.

The “bullying boss” refers to guards not as human beings but “robots” and invites dissenters to “seek gainful employment elsewhere.”

To help destroy morale, the Command has eliminated the LAN connection from computers in the trailer. Internet access was banned to keep guards from reading CAPERS. In fact, the unwritten rule is, any guard caught reading or with a copy of CAPERS in his hands will be fired on the spot!

Some of the draconian dictates include “no reading” at any time. Not even a Bible is permitted. No hand held or portable radios are allowed. What’s next? Will the fans be removed from the heaters at entrance point stations? It’s no wonder that RIF’d civilian employees dread the thought of being downgraded and receiving abuse working on the guard force.

At least we can say Sgt. Group knows how to “polish” boots. Or is that an apple? With him, “assuming the position” is not getting ready to do a push-up.

SILVERBERG’S ARM – When you stop by the Civilian Personnel Office, be sure to console Gerald Silverberg, the recovering director of CPO. His right arm is in a cast after surgery to repair a separated bone.

At his age, all those termination forms, disciplinary actions, and out-right “back-stabbing” have indeed taken a toll. At any rate, you can safely bet that he won’t controvert HIS worker’s compensation claim.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY – To all the ladies who work at Carlisle Barracks, including both civilian employees and the uniformed force. We greatly appreciate your e-mails of support and words of encouragement. Rest assured we will hold Huntoon’s feet to the fire and make sure you are treated with the courtesy and respect you deserve.

Like cockroaches, scurrying in all directions at the first sign of light, “wrongdoers” on Carlisle Barracks will be exposed and brought to justice. That, we promise you!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Attention all War College students. Be sure to download our new story on on failed Presidential candidate, retired four-star general “Weasely” Clark. This wild-eyed, most unstable man, is the first general officer in the U.S. military to ever “pose” provocatively on the cover of a national homosexual magazine. There’s nothing this Clinton stooge wouldn’t do to pander for votes! As a public service to our readers, we’ve reproduced the incredible cover of the ADVOCATE so all can see Wes putting on his “Marlon Brando” look.

We had the biggest Sunday (February 8th) in the history of this web site, with over 61,000 “unique page views” during that 24-hour period. Before long, we will pass 100,000 hits a day. Maybe the Barracks “leadership” should try ONE MORE TIME to “censor” us, so we can haul them into Federal Court on a First Amendment rap. That will help our circulation even more!


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