April 15, 2004

EDITOR’S NOTE: You are in for a real treat this month! Just 72 hours before we went to press, was able to conduct a lengthy interview with the “mistress” of a notorious Carlisle Barracks colonel.

We had to jettison several stories for “space reasons” and will use them later. But for now, because of the “breaking news” element to this interview, and the wide interest it will arouse – from the CID and brass hats on the Barracks to post workers and military members (to say nothing of the Pentagon) – we are devoting a good portion of this month’s column to this EXCLUSIVE interview.

© - 2004

We shall begin by saying this colonel has been “in the news” lately and caused great embarrassment to those who, at first, tried to protect him. Rank certainly has its “privileges” on Carlisle Barracks. Everyone knows that! But his case got “too hot to handle” and again, the commandant, Gen. David Huntoon and his flunkies, found out once the media – Harrisburg PATRIOT, a surprisingly-aggressive Carlisle SENTINEL, and our friends over at WGAL-TV and The Associated Press got wind of it, no “cover-up” was possible.

For “continuity purposes” we’ll label this lothario “Col. Libido.” We could have come up with some other “handles,” but after all, this is a family publication.

The “mistress” shall be known as “Linda.” And what a sordid tale she has to tell!


She alleges she first met Col. Libido when he advertised himself as a “high-ranking officer” on the Adult Friend Finder sex web site. For those of you in the dark, that’s a place swingers make connections. Apparently the colonel was super-confident no female foreign espionage agents read or answer those ads, or the Army could have had a very serious security problem on its hands.

“We started having sex in his home about six months ago,” she told in an EXCLUSIVE copyrighted interview. “The man was insatiable. I think he’s a sex addict. He was after me the minute I got through the door. Off came my clothes. He was already naked. He knew when I’d arrive.”

All we can say, is Linda lives in the general area of Carlisle, but that could be in any direction. One thing’s for sure. She’s not the only woman this colonel has been seeing. And now she’s having ‘second thoughts” about her “boyfriend” after reading our stories about him on

“I guess I’ve been lucky so far,” she said. “He hasn’t grabbed me around the neck or threatened to kill my dog. But he has been rude and abrupt at times. But I thought that was just normal – him being a colonel and all. He sure was proud of his rank.


“For a guy who wanted to do it all the time, he only had average equipment. Maybe that’s part of his problem.

“One time he forced me to do something really disgusting, and I felt bad after that,” she recalled.

[We won’t relate it here, because we too, think it’s “disgusting.” Yuk!]

“He told me he was divorced. I’m married, and don’t want a divorce, so I keep that part of my life private. Anyway, he didn’t talk to me about marriage very much. All he wanted to talk about was sex!

Linda told our investigators the colonel had “kinky” tastes.

“He asked me if I knew a woman who’d join us for a threesome,” she said. “I don’t go in for that stuff, I told him. But he laughed and said he’d been in lots of orgies when he lived down in Florida.”

Col. Libido suggested some other “sexual scenarios” to Linda, but the editors of this web site think publishing those requests would be so shocking – and to some – repulsive, so we won’t repeat them here. You’ll have to use your own imagination.


We asked Linda how recently she’d had relations with the colonel.

“Just a couple weeks ago. He’s calling me on my cell phone now, but I don’t want to go back. So I won’t answer. I get the creeps just thinking about what might happen.”

When we inquired as to him ever mentioning to her the “trouble” he was in at Carlisle Barracks, Linda recalled Libido “seemed to be hiding something or holding back.”

“He was guarded when he spoke with me about anything other than sex – his favorite subject,” she said.


“Please understand, I don’t dislike him. In some ways I feel sorry for him. He’s got a sickness. But I just don’t feel comfortable going back there with what I know now.”

“At least he used condoms,” Linda said. “I didn’t want to catch anything, and so far I’ve been lucky. investigators, aided by our battalion of confidential informants on post (some in very key positions), tell us Col. Libido isn’t the only officer there with X-rated tastes.

“At least two other top officers have sexual secrets that could destroy their careers and damage our chances to survive BRAC if it got into the media,” said one highly placed source.

One of the two is scheduled to retire this year, so Huntoon may be able to avoid scandal on that one. But the other case is so bizarre and sickening, post workers – jaded by years of “sexual shenanigans” at the central Pa. post – will find even their sensibilities affected!

“The ones who know about it are involved in the cover-up,” an inside source said. “And they may succeed. That is, if doesn’t expose it on the Internet.”

BUMBLING BUCHER LOSES “POPULARITY” – No, we don’t mean the hard-charging, fast-track, former Pentagon flack, Lt. Col. Merideth “Bumbling” Bucher has lost “friends” on Carlisle Barracks. She had very few to begin with.

No, the controversial PAO – who was made to look foolish when defeated an illegal attempt by Carlisle Barracks to BAN the web site from the installation’s computer net (while still allowing pornography to flow in) last year – has lost favor with our readers.

At one time, Army personnel in Germany and back in the States at PERSCOM laughed out loud at the stumbling flack’s latest misadventures.
So we left our original story about her “up” on our home page.

The space is very valuable, and now we are going have to “send her to the showers.” The article will be relegated to ARCHIVES. The editors decided that when “Bumbling Bucher” became BORING and fewer than 500 readers “clicked on” to her story during any given seven-day period, we would “remove” her item from our lineup.

That day has now arrived. So, we’ll say it here: “So long, Bucher. You were worth a lot of laughs and we got thousands of extra hits because of you! But you’re OLD NEWS now. Don’t worry, however. Our C.I.’s are everywhere – and we do mean EVERYWHERE – so the next time you “mess up,” we’ll be sure to let our readers know all about it. And knowing you, it won’t be long.

In the meantime, those who still need their “Bumbling Bucher” fix can get it here every month on CAPERS. We’re sure we’ll find something to write about our “favorite” PAO. Like, when she’ll finally goes to DINFOS and gets her basic journalism diploma. We’re still waiting for Huntoon to give her THAT “opportunity” so she can learn what a real PAO does.

HAPPY DAYS AT MILPO -- There’s plenty of rejoicing over at MILPO these days. Just ask the happy workers now that the “Reign of King and Queen Henry” is coming to an end.

Seems “Mr. Henry” couldn’t take having “Mrs. Henry” around all the time, at home and at the office – he being the Chief and her being the I.D. card clerk (OOPS, we mean Asst. Chief.)

He’s headed back to D.C. for a contractor job, and she’s staying behind “until the house is sold,” maybe. At any rate, the dynamic duo, who destroyed morale from the day they arrived at Carlisle Barracks, will soon be GONE! And no tears will be shed at their departure.

It’s never a good idea to put a husband and wife team into the same work section, what with all the potential for CONFLICT OF INTEREST.
But we are told, our old pal, Col. Mike “NO COMBAT” Colpo approved the assignment. More about him in our next item.

UNWILLING TO HELP – An elderly, retired colonel and veteran of World War II used to be one of the most active volunteers on Carlisle Barracks.

That is, until the day some MP’s gave the colonel a “speeding” ticket. Seems they clocked him at the ferocious rate of 18 m.p.h. – three whole miles over the limit! It was the first such ticket the “officer and gentleman” had received in his entire distinguished life!

His friend, a certain LTC at Dunham Clinic, highly-respected for his combat record,”rising in the ranks” from enlisted man to field-grade officer, gently suggested to then-garrison commander, Col. Mike “NO COMBAT” Colpo, that maybe the retired colonel could be cut “a little slack.”

It was explained that the colonel was a “very valuable asset” to the post and deserved at least one break, considering the very minor “speeding” infraction.

“I’ll see what I can do,” mumbled Colpo. And the LTC then knew, NOTHING would happen.

“He could have easily made it go away,” the decorated Vietnam vet told us. “But Colpo wouldn’t help, and that fine gentleman – now moved out of the area – was humiliated and embittered by the backhand he got from the so-called Carlisle Barracks leadership.”

The aged colonel, who risked his life many times in combat, was treated disgracefully by one, who – despite a West Point diploma, Infantry brass, and a set of parachute wings – never served a day in “Harm’s Way,” and in fact, not only missed any “combat” during nearly 27 years of service, never even served a tour overseas! Not one! Not to Korea, Germany, Bosnia, Kosovo, nor any action during Gulf War I, Panama, Grenada, Somalia, Afghanistan or Iraq.

Maybe we should award him a special ribbon to go with the very few he now wears. It could be called the “Stateside Duty Medal” for the longest continuous service within the continental United States for an Infantry Officer and West Point graduate in the United States Army.

We even got a friendly letter from an association of Army Rangers, letting us know that they did NOT want to be “in any way” connected with what they called a “chairBORNE Ranger.”

Colpo’s come a long ways since he freaked out (on tape) and screamed at us it’s “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” when we politely asked if PORN was “still coming in” on Barrack’s computers. [It was!] We’re so happy for him that he has such a strong friend and enabler in Gen. Huntoon. Maybe the colonel’s animosity for stands him in good stead with the troubled general. But, from what we hear on post, many workers can’t wait for Colpo to leave.

THE REVOLVING DOOR – The question is, when “NO COMBAT” Colpo retires, will he get the same “deal” that the DIMINUTIVE garrison commander is getting?

Folks who hoped they’d be rid of Kosvisto have been disheartened to learn he’ll be BAAAAAACK, in a high-paying civilian capacity once he retires.

It’s the same old story. The “good old boy network,” rewarding both slugs and achievers with lucrative positions once they hang up their Army greens.

No wonder morale is low. To read Huntoon’s letter to Sen. Allen of Virginia, you’d think is all to blame for the present state of euphoria on post.

Maybe that’s why we get many thousands of “HITS” from central Pa. Must be all those “depressed” folks out there that just can’t wait to “click on” to us and have their “morale” damaged!

The fact is, we are NOT afraid to point out “the Emperor has no clothes!” In this case, the relatively new commandant at Carlisle Barracks is off to a very poor start. It would be hoped he’d do something to rectify the situation. That is, if he doesn’t want to see his chance’s for a third star disappear, like “Pathetic Bobby” and his successor, Gen. Robert Ivany.

This column is widely read in the Pentagon and throughout the Army, Huntoon, so wise up and get your act together before you become just another joke. “Bitch-slapped again by the gang at MCC,” laughed a field-grade officer in the puzzle palace. “Once a general officer becomes an object or scorn or ridicule, he’s got a hell of a pit to climb out of.”

THANK YOU – To our legion of informants and sources, both military and civilian. Some of you wear “chicken wings” and the brass would have a stroke if they knew you contacted us. Many of you are enlisted, NCO and company-grade officers. We have plenty of civilian friends and DOD workers too, who look to us for exposing injustice and hypocrisy.

To YOU, dear friends, know that you vastly outnumber the “bad guys” (and some “bad girls”) like the post’s own “Barney Fife lookalike” who we thought we might see on TV in San Francisco joining Rosie O’Donnel in exchanging “marriage vows” with her “significant other.” She still IS with the “partner” (girlfriend) that washed out of West Point, right? Some of those “relationships” don’t last too long. And we don’t want “Barney” to think we aren’t “up” on the latest “news.” She should know that we know all about IT.

So, until next month, enjoy the Spring that we are all hoping will finally come to Pennsylvania, and know that when you aren’t aware, when you least expect it, there’s likely to be a Carlisle Barracks “C.I.” standing next to you.

This month “SALUTES” all our good friends in Camp Hill, Pa.




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